It's the most busiest time of the year!!!! ( most busiest is definitely grammatically incorrect, but oh well?)

Just dropping a quick note to assure you that I have not, nor will I ever abandon you. I forgot how crazy things tend to be this time of year, so I do apologize for neglecting my writing as of late. Never fear, I will be back soon but for right now I am off to my favourite six year olds' birthday party! 

My city looks like Narnia when it's blustery.

 

Didn't know berries grew this late in the season?

I had the absolute worst night of my life last night! I am sick (of course, what's new?) so I woke up about 50 times over the span of seven hours either completely freezing, overwhelmingly hot, drowning in my own drool or choking to death. It was amazing. And I'm sure you've just managed to gather the loveliest of images of my sleepy sick disgruntled self.  Wow, why do I do that to myself?

Anywhooooo....

I have been connecting with a group of individuals lately who I can truly have a great time with. I always have a hard time finding common ground with 85% of my generation, but I am so thankful that I am making a few strong bonds.  Funny thing is they were there all along, only now are we coming together. The most ironic part is that we have all felt so alone in our struggles to identify with our culture but, when we are together we seem to be our own little community. It's incredible. This must be what it feels like to have friends(?). Haha. 

Going to take a truckload of Viatmin C... any other suggestions? 

The dreams are still very real. I hate waking up nowadays. Not because it means that I have to get out of bed, but because I have to open my eyes and leave it all behind. I have to realize there is not a sleeping baby in my arms anymore, my body holds no life but my own, and the elation will not be felt again until I close my eyes the following night. It makes me impatient, and that small voice in my mind whispers to me that I will never have such things in my life.  

I cherish every minute of every day and I am not looking to fast forward the years of my life to get to that point, but my heart aches. My arms seem empty. My soul longs for the joy I feel in my dreams, and the joy that will far surpass anything I can imagine feeling. 

Winter time beaches are pretty.

I'm slightly handicap, apologies all....

So, being that I'm the smartest girl in the world I just realized last night that people were leaving comments on my posts!

I had no idea anybody even read my crazy ramblings, I am happily shocked! And I just have to say I apologize for my ignorance, I promise I haven't just been blowing you guys off. 

I also want to thank you who have commented for your incredibly kind and encouraging words, you are truly lovely. 

Have an excellent Saturday :)

Eventful beginning to the weekend so far. I went for a walk in the woods, here are a couple of the pictures I snapped. I then came home and warmed up with some tea and baked scones. This would be my first attempt at making them and I think they turned out really really well. I added orange zest and golden raisins. Yummmm.

I like days like today when everything feels cozy and it's twenty degrees out. 

Tonight is the office Christmas party, not looking forward to it much. I think people have a hard time figuring me out. Especially my co-workers. They can't figure out why I'm single, or why I choose to stay that way. They informed me that tonight they will find an appropriate fellow for me to have a one night stand with. They claim I am at the prime age to have such "fun". 

Of course I reminded them (while trying not to let my completely mortified expression give me away) that I am simply not that kind of girl. I am happy with my life and wouldn't change a thing. I don't need someone to complete me. 

That did nothing for my situation though. They are still hellbent on finding someone. Anyone. Whatever. I am half tempted to show up in sweats with my hair a mess, but I probably wouldn't have a job come Monday if I went that route. 

So tonight should be interesting to say the least. 

I just wish people would leave well enough alone. 

Bedtime (I hope)

winter is definitely setting in here in upstate NY. I love the season, but seriously dislike the common cold that tends to come with it. I love my job don't get me wrong, but working in such an incredibly close proximity (actually in their mouths!) to children from the ages of 5-19,  I am finding that I might be experiencing the beginnings of my first illness of the year.

But enough about my immune system.

I have had several sleepless nights lately, along with very disturbing dreams when I actually do find sleep. I will settle myself in bed no later than 10 pm, but sleep finds me no sooner than midnight. Then I will wake up every hour to see if I've overslept. Finally my alarm rings at 5:45 am. During the interim of actual asleep time, I've found that my dreams are so vivid and real that I forget from day to day weather my conversations and actions were real, or something my mind made up. It's very frustrating. Had a glass of wine tonight, hopefully that will help.

Had to order a few more books today. I will have my freshly started 634 page novel read by the end of the weekend I'm sure. So I have Pride and Prejudice and Wuthering Heights on the way. I am so excited to dive into a few classics! And I love that I have been able to find classics on Amazon for $.01, plus shipping. Better than any bookstore deal around here! 

Another day comes to a close. Sweet Dreams all.....

.....

I am so thankful that we have a God who is so full of love, He will redeem us from ourselves. 

Mindboggling.

Rant

People will let you down. I thought I had one person who wouldn't lie to me. Wrong. The worst part is when you find out wayyy too late to be justifiably mad. But you're still mad. 

There is a slew of nasty things going through my head about what I would do to get even (for instance a plate of delicious cookies that you loved so much, oops! Didn't tell you there were enough laxatives in there for a horse!)

But it's all just venom. Toxic. Unnecessary. I am trying to become the person who turns the other cheek, forgives and forgets, but it is more difficult than I could have imagined. 

I wrote him a letter (unsent, like I do with many people) About a month before the breakup. All it said was "I want to get married, but not to you". I'm glad I realized it when I did. And once again it can be confirmed that my gut instinct is ALWAYS correct. 

Had a dream last night that I had a baby. A little boy. And I love the dreams that feel so real you can almost touch them, every cell in your body can feel the emotion. It was beautiful. He was perfect.

Part two of the same dream was that I went back to work. But not in ortho.... back to the coffee shop!  However it quickly turned into a nightmare when I realized I had forgotten how to make every drink!

Had an epiphany on the way to work yesterday. I decided to take the entire drive silently. Crazy I know! No Cd's, no ipod, no xm, no regular radio, who would subject themselves to such depravity?! I decided that there is so much noise in our daily lives that we miss some of the most important things. Just to sit for twenty-five minutes to be alone with my thoughts was so refreshing. I've decided to take a day this week and have an "external noise free day". No computer (gah!) no TV,  no music, no car. If I want to get anywhere I will be walking. If I need some entertainment I will go for a walk in the woods and take in the beauty. I need more days like these. I think I miss quite a few important things when I fill my life with "extras". 

This will bring me to the end of my rant, and I wish you all will have a very lovely Wednesday.

Kindness

Today was the last day of the work week for me. So, for the next five days I have a very small to-do list.

Take a walk in the snow

Drink tea early in the morning and watch the sun come up

Take a bubble bath

Make a christmas wreath

Decorate my grandmother's apartment for Christmas

Simple things, nothing too stressful but it should break up my week and make the days a little less mundane.  Truth: I LOVE this time of year.

Happy Tuesday <3

Oh how I love the things that make me happy.

I love my life. And I love the things in it that make me smile. 

Last night would have been a prime example of this. At 12:01 am I was sitting in the theatre watching the Twilight saga unfold on the big screen, and by the time I left my cheeks were killing me!

I smiled like a goofy 12 year old through the entire film. It obviously does not do the book much justice when it comes to details, but overall I was pleased. I can't wait to go see it again :)

As previously mentioned there is a certain lightness to my spirit as of late, and I want to take the time to acknowledge a few of the most special things in my world these days. 

I believe that when you take the seemingly insignificant pieces of your life for granted, You set yourself up to be discontent with the world around you.

On that note, I am thankful for...

space heaters

books

lavender shampoo

my grandmother for sparking my interest in reading as a little girl

my love of cooking

tea

my community

being smart

being grounded

classical piano cd's

journals

watching the snow fly by the streetlamp

individuality

peacefulness

the strength to overcome addiction

the strength to realize I am not defined by who I am with

the strength to realize I'm okay with being alone

homeschooling

vintage things

headbands

growing my hair long. 

Snow

This is the first time in  a long time that I can remember being truly happy. The first snow has always been the beginning of a loooooooong bout of depression for me. (and here in Rochester that lovely white fluff is likely to last from October until April)  But the most incredibly odd thing happened the other day. I was at work when I looked out the window and saw the white flakes blowing by the window. For the fist time ever ,I saw it and smiled and thought to myself "wow that's really pretty" 

I woke up this morning an hour early just so I could enjoy a few cups of coffee and look out the window. 

I wonder if my new found appreciation for life and all things has anything to do with last October. I'm sure it does. I guess I just appreciate life more these days, and am seeing things through the eyes of a person who is truly grateful that she is still here.  

I love life. 

I have been inspired by a fellow blogger  to capture the beautiful things around me, and am seriously considering taking up photography. 

God help me. 

I tend not to be the most creative person in the world when it comes to artistic things, but I'm hoping that taking photos will be an exception.  I would love to be able to post the things around me for you to see!

Happy Thursday all, have a beautiful day.

No more planning

I've made the same resolution over and over again. This time I hope I can stick to it! I am done planning everything. I am the girl who needs to have  EVERY detail of EVERY day planned. In addition I also have the next five to ten years planned out at any given moment. 

But in the words of my favorite band Jimmy Eat World : 

"Nothing that makes sense ever works out"

I laugh at how many times I though I had it all figured out, and how incredibly far from the truth I have been every time!

So for now, I guess it is enough to be content with today. Very often I find that I want what I don't have. Maybe it's because I don't cherish the things I have when I have them, because I am too busy looking to move on to something better. 

I found this photo online today in a local newspaper article. It is adorable, and though I am not putting any time constraints on myself here, I recognize that this is a desire of my heart. It is truly something I would love to have in my life someday. 

Theology

A lot has been on my mind lately, but the issue taking up a good deal of spare time has been the issue of religion. I have been going to a baptist church with my family for years, and after taking a few years off with no church attendance at all, have recently started going back. But lately I have posed some questions for myself about what I truly believe. 

I am intrigued by Catholicism. 

This to many protestants (my mother especially) tends to be a sore spot of discussion. I am not trying to pigeon hole in any way, but the common belief among protestants is that Catholics are wrong in their doctrine and beliefs and cannot possibly be "saved" since they're not "born again". 

However, I have been doing my share of scripture study and have found multiple discrepancies with the doctrine of the protestant denominations. Imagine: There was the Catholic church, Martin Luther disagreed with certain teachings of the church and broke away to form his own, and from there multiple branches grew until people created whatever church they needed that would support their interpretation of the scriptures. Thus we have Lutherans, Methodists, Baptists, Community churches, the list goes on and on. Each has a slightly different doctrine, but I would think that when finding a denomination for yourself (at least in my case) I don't care about the title,  I care about the truth. I have found a ton of verses that support the teaching of the Catholic church.  "sola scriptura"  is not anywhere mentioned in the bible as far as I can see, maybe I'm just missing it. But that was one of the main reasons for the break from Catholicism in the first place, and if that main component of faith is an error, how is anything else possibly theologically correct? 

The First Entry

I don't expect many people to stumble upon my blog and find it interesting, let alone take the time to actually read it. However, I think this is something fun and new and a way to become more comfortable with writing. 

I guess I should start off with my story. 

I'm 21 but am definitely an old soul. I enjoy staying in and reading over going out and partying. I spent some time at college for journalism but ended up leaving after I learned the most important lesson of my life. The school system will teach you to think inside the box. In my opinion the best way to write is unabashedly, from the heart, with no absolutely restrictions.

I found the love of my life when I was seventeen. We were together for three years. He's gone now and I still miss him every day.  

I have this horrible habit of writing letters to people and never sending them. They are always painfully honest, it's good therapy. 

I tend to write streams of consciousness, so if you were ever to see a free flow of random words don't worry, they actually do make sense in my head. 

I will from time to time post pictures that I find beautiful. Here is my first. It was a photo taken from the bottom of a stairwell in a lighthouse in North Carolina. Nothing Special, but I love it.