Busy day today. Self-inflicted busyness, but much to do none the less. Thursday was amazing. Not at all what I was expecting (in a good way) and I am really eager to go back.
I had a little homework, and as was predicted I am slightly surprised by my answers (but not too much).
I've started journaling more. I try for once every other day, and it's working out quite well.
I am happy and for now, content. I'm safe but not expecting it to stay that way.
Little challenges will build to bigger ones, whatever they may be. But I'm making a list of completed "hard things" that I'm doing, and it will be amazing to see how far I've come by this time next year.
(p.s. that was not my homework- it was my own idea)

"Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can't do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.
Rest your head.
You've got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon."

Today I'm grateful for mixes made a year ago by a woman who truly saw me for who I am. AEF <3

Thursday. I'm ready. It will start, and it won't stop. All of me- out of place, unwound, completely free, but unable to run. Unwilling to run. I've done it too often for too long.

I wonder why. And I don't. I don't care, but in some small ways I think- why was it so fast? I know the answers. I have two main ones. One is my "fault", one isn't. One is completely off base (or so I like to think) and one is true and what I knew all along.
What was I waiting for? Confirmation? I got it.

Thursday. I'm ready. I'm giving it all up.

And after that I have two more challenges to face. Within the next few weeks. One will be negative. The other I'm not so sure of now.

This past week has been one with many new to me thoughts. i love my job, mainly because of the people i get to meet and interact with. I'm going to be 24 this year, and it's so funny to look at a random pooling of women my age and see how different our lives can be at this stage.
You have someone single like me. There are others who are just getting engaged. Others who have just gotten married, and still others who are married with one or more children. And each of us (for the most part) are happy with where our lives have taken us so far. It's so funny to look back and see where we all were just a few years ago, and how i never would have guessed where some of my oldest friends are now. I'm happy for them.
I always thought that someone as young as me who has started their own family cannot be truly happy. They must be faking it, and putting on a brave face, because what other choice do they have? The more I interact with these girls, the more I see that we each follow our own bliss. I mean, when my mom was my age she was married with two kids, and that's all she ever wanted. So I guess true happiness can exist in the form of loving someone else. Be it your husband, fiance, boyfriend, or children. It's just a strange concept for me, because I can't imagine what it would feel like to love another person so selflessly.

Another realization that I've come to is one so simple you'd think i'm partially retarded for just seeing it now.
I guess part of the reason why I say I don't want kids, is because it is a terrifying concept.
You don't just "have a baby".
You are creating a PERSON and unleashing it on the world.
What this person does, thinks, speaks, how they live their life is a reflection on you.
I was talking to a patient who was telling me about his daughter. And he was just so proud.
She is his only child, and he was telling me stories of when she was growing up.
And it hit me, that while kids learn by example, you as a parent need to teach them how to be.
Kids don't know how to be polite, they need to be told.
They don't know how to make a good impression, they need to be told.
They need to see their parents interact with people and pick up on ques and mannerisms that they will carry into their own lives.
You have a blank canvas with a child- what you paint on them can either be a disaster, or a work of art.
How simply beautiful/scary is that?
It's all on you.