I rent a room and I
Fill the spaces with
Wooden places to
Make it feel like home.
But all I feel is
A L O N E
It might be a quarter life crisis
Or just a stirring in my soul.

Because I'm Not That Girl Anymore.

I'm updating the blog less and less these days, because another writing project is taking up a good amount of my time.
I'm writing a story.
Maybe a novel.
I don't know what the finished product will look like.
While the subject matter is close to my heart, and most of the inspiration can be pulled from my memory and experiences, there are other characters, pieces of the puzzle, who will have narratives.
For that, I need to do my research.
So I have been.
If someone walked into my bedroom and saw my open notebook and books surrounding it, they would imagine something is very wrong with me.
I promise it's not.
I'm simply trying to do justice to a story that needs to be told.
It is my story.
A girl who on an October night, four years ago, saw no other way out.
I made it out.
She doesn't.
It's her side of the story.
Her reasons.
Naivety.
What her existence looks like now.
Insight by the people who weren't ready for her to let go.
My head has been flooded with words and inspiration over the past month, and it's like I can't get it down fast enough.
It's hard for me to verbally explain all the details from that time.
And if I try, I sound like an incoherent rambling mess.
But when it's on paper, it sounds strong, collected.
I hope when it's all finished, it's a moving story.
My favorite books are the ones that stir your soul, make your chest ache, push you to tears.
It's beautiful, it's an art, and a gift.
I hope I have it.
If I don't, then I wish eyes that need to read it will.

UpDate on Life

Question.
How could dinner be bad when I snazzed up a traditional chicken french recipe to include fresh basil, heavy cream, butter, white wine, and lots of carmelized onion?
Oh yeah.
It can't be.
PLUS.
A glass of wine to accompany, and I am a happy girl.
I enjoy honing my skills.

ALSO.
I am writing.
Not here.
On my hard drive, paper, mind, anything that is available.
Not sure why, but words and stories have started flooding into my head these past couple of days.
I have pieces, and characters, cheeky plots, and tragic storylines.

The thing I love about writing is that the best stories don't pop into your head the way a reader enjoys them.
A word.
A thought.
It could be an ending.
Or a paragraph on what will be page 86.
It's a baby seed.
Watch it grow.
I love.

ALSO.
First card came off the goal web last week.
Pumped. One down, many more to go.
I may or may not have been dancing in my underwear,
and jumping on my bed basking in the glory of something I set my mind to accomplishing.
Sweet victory.

Sunday Means...

Up at 6 am because my daughter had to pee.
Portlandia.
Painting fings.
Coffee.
Paper and Coups.
Laundry.
Shopping with aforementioned coups.
Spring training at 1:05.
Making dinner and bread for the week.
Having this girl join in the shenanigans at some point.
Drinking in all the wild stories and crazy events of the weekend.
Cut and paste journaling.
Getting inspiration pics for my next tattoo.

Happy Sunday!

I Heart Saturdays

Abby is SUCH a photo diva.

Banking done.
Bills paid.
Scrubs ordered. (with wicked coupon deals)
Chatted with boo.
All from the comfort of my own bed before 10AM?
Oh. Hell. Yes.
Counting on this being one of my last productive weekends for the next 4-6 wks.
Steady diet of lemon drops and meclazine until then.
Withdrawl sucks.

Click pics for sweet links to some of my fave blogs

Dear Lizzy,

Please don't be afraid of everything you want.
And stop thinking you don't deserve it.

Love,
Your Heart

Homemade Is ALWAYS Better

LATEST LIZZY OBSESSIONS

Homemade Everything

Avocados

The all purpose versatility of vinegar

Cooking/ Baking from Scratch

Taking pictures of kitchen creations

Sharing kitchen creations with friends

Iron and Wine Radio

NPR

Pellegrino

Made from Scratch by Jenna Woginrich

The Yankee Years by Joe Torre

Loving Simplicity.

You want life? Take it.

I am in this place for a reason.
Doors have closed for a reason.
There are three girls in the same place.
All ready for a change.
Fall has always been a time of ending the last chapter, and starting a new book.
This fall is promising that again.
I can't wait.

Someone asked me in January what I saw my life looking like five years from now.
I thought about it.
I came up with nothing.
Literally.
A clean slate, blank board, white sheet of paper.
I have nothing set in stone, and if my life were to continue as it is right now, I would be happy.
But it won't.
I know this for certain.
I am just keeping myself open to all possibilities.

So this year is another step in leaving my comfort zone.
My plans for the fall (which are still top-secret, be patient!) is me stepping into the unknown.
It's terrifying and exciting.
And the first of many more experiences similar to it that I plan on facing in the next five years.

keep watching...

Coming soon to a blog near you- updates.
I promise.
Life is mad craze right now, and so much to tell!!!
Stay Tuned.

I'm a Fool

I must have forgotten that I live in God-forsaken Upstate New York.
I was fortunate enough to open my windows, and turn off the heat two days in a row when the temps outside reached the fifties.
This morning I woke up and my face was ice-cold, and I had zero motivation to get out of bed.
Apparently it snowed overnight.
And guess who forgot to close the windows and turn the heat back on.
Yep.
This girl.


Bought some used books and can't wait to dig in!
Topics include organic living (not just food),
and self-sustainability (I.E. making instead of buying).


Happy Weekend!

DisFREAKINGclaimer!

By the way, the cookies were NOT for me.
I didn't even keep any at home- they all went to this amazing fundraiser that my super cool, yellow haired sister organized for her Tae Kwan Do team.
I spent the evening with teenage girls being fools in the kitchen, and watching these kids transform a gym into a coffeehouse. It was pretty fantastic.

Happy Heart Day

I do adore this horribly commercial, hallmark holiday simply for the vibe it brings.
Just puts me in a good mood.
Pretty sure I've been single for about twenty-two of my twenty-four v-days, but i love it just the same.
Did a little celebratory baking <3>

This Is War

Time to escape
The clutches of a name
No this is not a game
(It's just the beginning)
I don't believe in fate
But the bottom line
It's time to pay
You know you've got it coming
This Is War.




Liz never tells herself "NO".
At least that used to be the story.
In a fight to create a life worth living passionately for, it's time for change.

For me, it starts with self-control and discipline.
I've been thinking about the last time I held myself back from indulgences that I deemed absolutely necessary in the heat of wanting them. I can't seem to remember.

This usually centers around comfort items for me- food being a BIG one.
Sitting at home watching Wheel of Fortune, eating, catching a Yankees game, having a beer or two, reading, napping, then eating some more, tend to be what most of my down time has consisted of for a very long time.

Growing up, the focal point of the home was always the kitchen. (Which I love by the way)
But spending tons of time there meant constant grazing for me.
It's a habit I've brought with me into adulthood, and one that has caused me to hit the heaviest point I have ever been.

I had a bit of a wake up moment a few weeks ago,
and it is one that I will probably never be able to shake.
It's time.
No matter what habits I've picked up, it's time to break them.

This isn't just about weight for me though.
On my goal web are several cards that I know I won't be able to take down until I'm more fit.
I want to join a soccer and kickball team, I want to hike Letchworth, I want to be able to run, I want to learn how to throw a mean right hook.

So this is war.
I'm in a battle against myself every time I go to the gym and my body wants to quit ten minutes in.
But I push until I hit my time, and I'm completely drenched.
I push myself to go for the weights, when I'm so ready to throw in the towel and say that was good enough for today.

This is war.
When I go grocery shopping, and all I want is to put ONE bag of chips or ONE carton of ice cream in my cart.
I have to tell myself no.
When I've had a long day and all I want is to call for takeout,
I fight to go home and make something healthy.

I'm making progress already.
It helps keep me strong.
But my biggest motivator is that I've been telling myself for so long,
that what is easy is what's best for me.
That I can't possibly achieve such a foreign goal.
I will prove my self-doubt wrong.
I WILL win this battle.

Goal Web

As promised, here is my latest creation.
Simple, but a constant reminder that I'm not finished yet.
So much to do.

Free at Last

Oh January. So glad to see you go.
My posts have been less and less on my blog and more with pen on paper in my journal these days. Sometimes I just need to slow it down and map out my brain in a permanent way. There is no deleting whats written in ink, and so no apologies to be made.
Just truth.

Anyways, January was filled with heartbreaking situations, and news.
But for the first time in a while I am seeing that harsh realities bring freedom.

For years there has been a deep rooted place in my heart where I thought that someday things could be the way they used to be.
News straight from the source, revealed that my biggest fear was true.
It will never happen.
Too much has changed, and in big permanent ways.
I'm not seventeen anymore. I'm going to be twenty-four.
And this was not what I imagined my life looking like.
All I could keep saying was "That was supposed to be me".

After an up all night of tears and raw hurt, the morning brought great clarity.
If that were supposed to be me, it would have been. My life is playing out this way for a reason.
Doors that I thought were still open as a backup option have been firmly closed and locked.
January brought several of these realizations. (I think I'm good for a while!)

So what now?

I'm investing in friendships.
I'm finding that having girlfriends isn't a bad thing after all.
These people are popping up out of the blue it seems, and our lives are syncing up to the same beat, so sharing life together is falling into place very naturally.
I'm meeting individuals who challenge me, push me, and like the same things I do.
Passionate lives are refreshing to be with, and i've tapped into an oil well of them.

I'm taking a big leap and pushing outside of my comfort zone.
I'm actually setting goals for myself. (yikes!)
They are covering the walls of my bedroom, so that I am forced to stare them down before I go to sleep and every morning when I wake up.
(pics to follow)
This is crazy though.
Many of them seem very un-liz-like, but how will I ever move my life forward if I keep running in the same circles of comfort?

For all of the pain that January brought, I am thankful for it.
I know I wouldn't have such clarity if I hadn't been forced to open my eyes to multiple truths.
I'm ready to jump into a full life with all that I am, and not looking back on what might have been.

*

life is
only
as good as the memories we make
and im taking back what belongs to me.

Busy day today. Self-inflicted busyness, but much to do none the less. Thursday was amazing. Not at all what I was expecting (in a good way) and I am really eager to go back.
I had a little homework, and as was predicted I am slightly surprised by my answers (but not too much).
I've started journaling more. I try for once every other day, and it's working out quite well.
I am happy and for now, content. I'm safe but not expecting it to stay that way.
Little challenges will build to bigger ones, whatever they may be. But I'm making a list of completed "hard things" that I'm doing, and it will be amazing to see how far I've come by this time next year.
(p.s. that was not my homework- it was my own idea)

"Don't push so hard against the world, no, no.
You can't do it all alone, and if you could
would you really want to?
Even though you're a big strong girl
come on, come on, lay it down.
The best made plans are your open hands.
Rest your head.
You've got two pillows to choose from
in a queen-sized bed.
Hold out for the moon."

Today I'm grateful for mixes made a year ago by a woman who truly saw me for who I am. AEF <3

Thursday. I'm ready. It will start, and it won't stop. All of me- out of place, unwound, completely free, but unable to run. Unwilling to run. I've done it too often for too long.

I wonder why. And I don't. I don't care, but in some small ways I think- why was it so fast? I know the answers. I have two main ones. One is my "fault", one isn't. One is completely off base (or so I like to think) and one is true and what I knew all along.
What was I waiting for? Confirmation? I got it.

Thursday. I'm ready. I'm giving it all up.

And after that I have two more challenges to face. Within the next few weeks. One will be negative. The other I'm not so sure of now.

This past week has been one with many new to me thoughts. i love my job, mainly because of the people i get to meet and interact with. I'm going to be 24 this year, and it's so funny to look at a random pooling of women my age and see how different our lives can be at this stage.
You have someone single like me. There are others who are just getting engaged. Others who have just gotten married, and still others who are married with one or more children. And each of us (for the most part) are happy with where our lives have taken us so far. It's so funny to look back and see where we all were just a few years ago, and how i never would have guessed where some of my oldest friends are now. I'm happy for them.
I always thought that someone as young as me who has started their own family cannot be truly happy. They must be faking it, and putting on a brave face, because what other choice do they have? The more I interact with these girls, the more I see that we each follow our own bliss. I mean, when my mom was my age she was married with two kids, and that's all she ever wanted. So I guess true happiness can exist in the form of loving someone else. Be it your husband, fiance, boyfriend, or children. It's just a strange concept for me, because I can't imagine what it would feel like to love another person so selflessly.

Another realization that I've come to is one so simple you'd think i'm partially retarded for just seeing it now.
I guess part of the reason why I say I don't want kids, is because it is a terrifying concept.
You don't just "have a baby".
You are creating a PERSON and unleashing it on the world.
What this person does, thinks, speaks, how they live their life is a reflection on you.
I was talking to a patient who was telling me about his daughter. And he was just so proud.
She is his only child, and he was telling me stories of when she was growing up.
And it hit me, that while kids learn by example, you as a parent need to teach them how to be.
Kids don't know how to be polite, they need to be told.
They don't know how to make a good impression, they need to be told.
They need to see their parents interact with people and pick up on ques and mannerisms that they will carry into their own lives.
You have a blank canvas with a child- what you paint on them can either be a disaster, or a work of art.
How simply beautiful/scary is that?
It's all on you.