To new beginnings (again)

Why is everyone getting married? Seriously. That's an honest question. So many of my peers are engaged, getting married, going to be getting engaged. It makes my head spin!

Now, don't get me wrong; I love love and I think it's a beautiful thing when it's genuine. But marriage is a BIG DEAL!

There is no going back, that is a commitment you make, and if you ever do want out, get ready for the mud-flinging wars to begin!

I see my friends using marriage as a tool. They can't do the things they want to do, live in their dream home, drive their dream car, have legitimate babies, until all of the papers are signed and the rings are on.

I AM TAKING A SLIGHTLY DIFFERENT APPROACH.

I'm doing it on my own.

Yes, all by myself.

*I will not depend on someone else to give me the things I want. *

I just signed the lease to my first apartment and I start moving this weekend. I won't wait around for a guy to buy me pretty jewelry, so I bought it myself. (oh how I love my new garnet ring :)

I don't even get upset over people letting me down anymore. I have come to accept it. I have come to prefer being alone.

Anyways, I'm super stoked for my new home. It will be my first time on my own! I am in the middle of buying furniture, appliances and all that jazz right now, so for now I leave you with this.

Leaving in the Morning

Jetting of to NYC in the AM. Yankees game on Saturday, and lots of shopping/ sightseeing! 

Update you all when I get home :)

Project Feed Jonny

My church has started up a program the last few years, where they encourage us as a community to gather in small groups and grow together/ encourage each other. We call them Life Together Groups, or LTG's.

Usually this looks like a group of about 6-10 families getting together twice a month, basically to "do life together". There are a TON of groups that have been organized, but as of last year there was not a group that I really fit into. This all changed when my friend Steve decided it was about time for the twenty-somethings to gather and be a community. 

So, we have our own LTG now. We've been meeting for almost a year now and have about 9 of us on a consistent basis, and a few floaters.

BUT TO GET TO THE POINT.....

Our friend Johnny is living in Florida plowing through an intense graphic design program.  The program keeps him super busy, so much so that he does not have any time to get a job. (No he's not just a bum :) 

Anyways, he has been living on Ramen noodles for a while, because "food isn't in his budget right now" and he's getting awfully skinny.  

So my LTG decided to send him a couple boxes of food, and stock his pantry. I am gathering everything at my house, and it is overwhelming to see how much we can accomplish when we set out to reach a common goal. 

I'm so excited to send this out to him!

Jonny also has some awesome t-shirts up on etsy that he screen prints from a makeshift "design studio" in a closet in his apartment haha. Check them out! My fave is the bike with a basket in yellow :)

http://www.etsy.com/shop.php?user_id=6237582

Amazing Night

I had the greatest time last night. Roadtrip to Toronto to see Coldplay!!!

They put on an absolutely AMAZING show, and while the stage effects, and visuals were incredible, there were times that I just closed my eyes and let the music move me. It was truly an awesome show.

Canada has some of the most unusual licence plates though. Some of the following were our favorites:

EVLQUEEN

SPATEL (?)

RSPBRRY

GLDFSH

strange country.

Anyways, here are a few of the pics I took at the show, the first is Chris Martin of course, the second was one I took when everyone had their phones out, and the last is the balloon drop when they played "Yellow".

Enjoy!

Having fun in crummy weather

It has been so rainy here these days. We really have not had much of a summer at all actually. But, this also makes for fun evenings of playing in the rain. My best friend moved in with me last week, and she is such a child at heart. We danced and splashed and jumped in puddles, and all the neighbors thought we were crazy. But I loved it :)

It has been WAY too long

So it's about time I got back to writing again! Life is just so busy sometimes, that I forget to slow down and do things that make me happy, like blogging :)

I am officially over the gym. While I think excersizing for health is wonderful and necessary, I am no longer worried about looking like the unrealistic airbrushed women who dominate our society. I am me. And I like that.

Much to do today, I am just getting over the flu, and laying in bed for four days straight has made me restless! So it's off to run some errands, and possibly bake something delishious and summer-ish.

Have a fantastic Friday!

So can I just tell you I've had one of those nights where I realize God has everything going on for  a reason? I just love having little moments that are seemingly insignificant to others, but touch my heart. 

Tonight was my final night with my 1st and 2nd grade Pioneer Girls. They had their little awards ceremony, and my entire class will be moving on to the next age group in the fall. Well, Emma has been my "challenging" child. ALL. YEAR. LONG. She is not a malicious girl and she doesn't irritate people intentionally, she just has a SEVERE issue with her attention span and listening skills. Oh yeah, and she doesn't know how to sit still for more than three seconds. No lie. In her defense, she has the biggest heart and loves to love people. Honestly she has the best intentions, but she was a handful for me none the less. Anyways, I'm not sure if you noticed in my pic with my tattoo, there are some pretty significant scars running the length of my arm. Usually I'm pretty good about keeping them covered when I'm around the kids, but tonight I forgot my jacket. So I'm sitting through the ceremony with my class, Emma is the only child on my left because she needs to be reminded to sit. She picks up my left hand and starts playing with my nails. She asks "are those real or are they yours?". I smile to myself and let her know that they are really mine. She continues to sit there and amuse herself with my nails, but then I hear her little voice gasp, and she says "What happened to your arm?". "I got hurt" I said. She whispers a simple "Oh", and rests her head down on my scars and rubs my arm. She stayed still like that for the remainder of the service. 

It's moments like those that God reminds me that sometimes my biggest challenges will be my most beautiful rewards. 

My day just keeps getting better...

So at 5 pm today my week and a half long vacation began. 

Upon the commence of my workday, I had a few errands to run. I'm not typically a big lotto girl but thought a scratch off would be fun. Paid $1, won $2 from that scratch off. Yay I'm a dollar richer. 

I then get home and my dad gives me a little info on an event I knew would never be pulled off. I have never been to NYC or seen the Yankees (fave team ever!!!!) play live.  My dad thought it would be nice if he took me to NY when the Yanks play the Red Sox (for any non-baseball fans: this is a big deal :)

Well these tickets began selling out last year and chances are very slim that we would be in attendance for any of the three games. 

But my life is awesome and daddyo managed to get four tickets right behind homeplate for the weekend game!

What an excellant day it's turning out to be :)

I sit here tonight in the dim light and pose a question to the emptiness of this room. 

~ Is it entirely odd that I am happier alone? ~

This is by no means the first time I've had this cross my mind. I feel overwhelmed when I'm in any type of relationship. I feel smothered, I don't like to be touched, I don't like having to smile and pretend to be content, I don't enjoy having someone to talk to at the end of the day. I know it sounds ridiculously selfish, but I feel like being with someone is just one more chore to add to my already too long list. 

I had one serious relationship which lasted about three years. 

It ended two years ago. 

I still miss him every day. 

I can't help but psycho analyze the situation and wonder if the reason I can't be happy with someone else, is because I can't let go of him. 

Then again, maybe I just truly dislike people and am destined to be single forever. (scary part is, it doesn't sound half bad!)

..........I have way too much thinking time on my hands.......

Sorry to put you, dear reader through the messy gears of my psyche. 

On a lighter note, tomorrow at 5pm begins my nine day vacation!

Nothing exciting, but it will be nice to get away from work for a bit and have some fun time. Hopefully I will be posting some fun photos from my time off! 

Well, I have been inspired  by a fellow blogger, and added music to my page! (thank you OceanDreams:) So I do hope you enjoy a glimpse into my music library. 

Clarity's tip of the day: buy some new shampoo. It's incredible what a new scent can do to uplift your senses. This worked well for me today, try it sometime!

Do you ever....

....have a day that is just blah? 

 I woke up to pouring rain, drove home in pouring rain. My day wasn't bad, but wasn't anything incredible either.  I think I need a change of weather. It's April and still snowing ( we should have a few inches this weekend ) 

"I need the smell of summer, I need it's noises in my ear". 

And there you have the very seldom displayed pessimistic side of my personality, sorry you had to sit through that!

I hope you have all had a spectacular beginning to your  week :)

Happy Friday all!

Just wanted to say a quick hello before I start my day, it will be a busy one and I like to take just a few minutes in the morning to reflect while life is still quiet.  

I am posing a challenge to myself this weekend, it's going to be really hard. I am going to attempt to take an entire afternoon and do nothing. I think it will be on Sunday. I'm going to stay in, drink tea, read books, and ignore my phone. I think it's so important to have quit days every once in a while. Try it sometime, it's refreshing!

So sorry for my falling off the face of the earth, loves. Truth is I haven't been feeling very well lately and I tend to go into hiding when I'm feeling down. Good news is; I am perking up again. Perhaps a change in the weather, who knows. 

Last week was an ironic one for me. I left university in November 2007 after a suicide attempt. It was a long road to healing and I believe in some small ways I am still on that road. The irony is this: I was asked to be a guest speaker by one of the organizations on campus on the topic of suicide. 

The place I tried to die in, called me back to speak on the very issue that should have left me never speaking again. 

It went well though. It was well received and people were truly appreciative that I was able to be so real. I hope ears that needed to hear the message of hope were there. 

Why am I sharing all of this with you?

To be honest I haven't a clue. It's just on my mind.

The world we live in is so fast paced, and whispers a lie to us that if we do not live up to it's standards then we fail.

I HAVE NEWS.

There is hope. Life does not need to be a battle of waking up and drudging though your day. There is more to life than that! There is a way to feel better again. Please find help. If no one is around who you feel comfortable sharing with, I am always here and will do my best to plug you into a network of support. We were not meant to do life alone. 

I can speak as a survivor and honestly say I am glad I'm still here. I can't imagine not being here. I had so much to live for.

Not that this has anything to do with anything really, but I do quite enjoy the fact that no one close to me could find my blog if they wanted to try.

I use an alias.

I write very openly here.

I know that I will not be judged.

Odd. I feel more comfortable sharing my thoughts with complete strangers.

Blogs could put shrinks out of business I think. No? 

A Redemption Story

A frenzy.

But I see nothing.

A blur of life passes by.

The lives of others.

Lives that will continue after tonight.

I carry my broken spirit away and lay the pieces on the cold floor of a dark room.

I hope to let the pieces rest now.

Slowly.

Numbly.

Calmly.

I pour the last living part of me out. 

I lay down in wait for the darkness to consume me.

But it does not.

You have watched me tonight.

You were there the entire time.

You saw it all.

And you are unafraid.

Only now do my eyes open.

The darkness is still there.

But it will not take me tonight.

You are breathing life into the broken remains,

Of my body and soul.

And for the first time I am aware. 

I need you.

I need you more than the mirages I've been chasing.

They are the lies.

They are the darkness.

They are the lover who left me here to die.

But you.

You pick me up off the floor.

You take my broken heart.

And you hold me. 

The arms I've been longing for,

I realize,

Are yours.